EmotionallyImpared...

It’s an extremely petty thing that me and my best friend of the time fell out over. It literally went like so (i have changed the names):

i went round izas house who was my best friend at the time, my other friend emma (previously mentioned) later asked iza if i had been to her house that day to which she replied no. Emma told iza that i said i had and Iza told her:

‘Don’t beleive chelsie, shes a liar, she always lies’.

And from there were a series of events where basically iza denied calling me a liar, and then later admitting it but saying that i never asked, and then us not talking, followed by her getting a girl in our class to come up to me and ask why i was being a b****. (I dont swear).

After me and Iza stopped talking, it seemed as if almost by some cruel magic, the majority of people hated me. I got asked if i was jelous of Iza and if that was why i was bullying her. What noone understood is that i honestly had not done anything!

I felt intimidated at school by eveyone around me, people looked at me with pure hatred and barely anyone spoke to me, i never understood what i had done to deserve this. I tried looking into things, trying to firgure out if it was somehow my fault but i just couldnt think why it could be.

These are the events that lead up to my first experience with self harm…

After realising the damage i was doing to emma, though never intentionally, i desperately tried to stop it. I told her to pleaseeee stop being the same as me because i was a dangerious person who was leading her to dangerous places. Despite the obvious evidence, she insisted that she was not copying, and that she had been that way before she met me, which was very much not true.

I went as far as to stop talking to her, which only led to her newfound depression worsening (the depression that coincidentally came around when i became depressed). Instead i made a vow to myself… from that moment on i would tell her NOTHING. Not of my self harm, which was gradually getting worse, not of my suicidal thoughts, which were fairly frequent, not of my non eating, not ANYTHING.

However i would far rather not have anyone to talk to then carry around the guilt of being the person who make emma the person she was becomming…

It was at that moment that it occured to me… after isolating my feelings from emma i literally had not one person left that i could trust to talk too…

I used to have a friend,  i won’t state her name for confidentiality reasons, lets just call her in this story….. ermmmmm…  emma?

Okay so emma and i were very good friends, and we had been for a while but after not long i started to notice some things…

she began to talk like me, act like me, like EVERYTHING the same as me, change her favourite colour to black (which was mine), ask her mum if she could die her hair black (i wanted to), ask her mum for a black room (i wanted one), become obsessed with my obsessions (programs, music, celebs), she started to buy the same style clothes as me, and she aspired to be famous (which was my ambition- although she had always claimed to hate attention), began to learn every song i knew how to play on the piano (so i no longer had much to be proud of).

I felt like my individuality had been completely taken away, i had a twin, a clone, a replica, i was no longer the only me!

What took it over the edge is the day she threw her lunch away, straight after i did. See earlier back, when i talked about my ambition to be like that 9 year old anorexic.. well it kinda worked out. I got my dangerous non eating inspiration from online, and she got it from me… cue the beginning of her anorexia.

When i began to self harm, and then she did too… i knew this was it… I was a bad influence…

My suspisions of my friends copying were confirmed when Dan told me (on the saturday that we met up) that myself and emma were alomost identical… that is why i regret seeing him that day.

When Dan told me he was leaving i don’t think i had ever been so upset about anything. As soon as i came off the phone i cried and cried and cried! Although i never told my mum about anything, i had to tell her about that, what other explanation was there for the constant tears?!

From the day he told me he was leaving i cried for about 2 days constant and even my mum told me to stop being silly, it wasnt like i was his girlfriend or anything, little did she know he was the one thing keeping me apart.

On his last day the next week i remember walking down the the corridoor alone (i refused to talk to anyone else) and i felt an arm round my shoulder, it was dan. He told me that everything was gonna be okay and that i would still see him out of school, i didn’t say anything back, i was on the verge of tears and in school… i dont think so! I survived the day in the end with huge help from who were my friends and later that night Dan and myself agreed to meet in town the upcomming saturday during his work break.

I was super excited to meet up… i just wish that i knew prior to the day how it would turn out, because if i did, i dont think i would have gone…

I remember the day i met dan, he was a year 11, i was only year 8. The fact that he payed attension to people 3 years younger than him made me love him, not in a love love way, just in an admiration kinda way.

Me and my best friend of the time (We dont talk now, as you will later discover) were messing around outside the music rooms, he walked through the door and (this will sound weird but we WERE very immature) my friend layed on a chair in a pose and then told Dan (we didnt know his name though) that he was weird. Dan started joking around saying ‘IM weird?! How can you say that when you’re doing this?!’ before demonstrating my friends pose.

Accepting and funny…

The in betweeny bits and details don’t matter much but lets just say we started talking to Dan more regularly and after a while he would start to hang out with us at lunch. I would be lying if i said i never fancied Dan because i did a bit, he was an extremely lovely guy who made everything okay again whenever it fell apart.

He was meant to be leaving the school in i think july and at the time that me and him were friends, whenever i thought of that day i felt like crying, Dan was the only thing holding me together, i didn’t really care for much else. Everything was perfect … or so i thought…

He called me on may 19th one night which was unexpected, we never called, only texted, i knew it was something serious when he told me he had to tell me something…

He was leaving school the next week…

During my bad times, which were practically ALL the time, I often recalled back to 2009, cliff park junior school, year 6. I don’t remember much at all but one thing that will never leave me is the popularity I once beheld. Not that I wanted it again, I actually blamed it on what was happening then.
I was never horrible when I was popular, at least not as far as I remember. I have always thought of haters as horrible people and don’t recall ever being one. I just had a very pretty group of friends who everyone knew of and who the teachers liked and students liked. At such a young age we never considered our selves popular but now I think about it.. That’s kinda how it was…
I thought that maybe in 2009 everything good that was going to happen in my life had happened. When I moved school at the end of year 6 I left my old friends and my popularity with it, I instead had a small group of friends that continued to shrink until it was just me and one best friend.
In 2011 when everything started happening, as I mentioned before, I blamed it on my past. I thought that there was no point of living as everything good has already happened. This barely a fraction of the reason I became suicidal….

It’s extremely difficult to remember the order of events of which my past took place, but with help from my diary of the time, i can pinpoint everything. I wrote of my depression prior to this extract but it was never serious. Flicking through my diary, I saw this entry and classed it as a pretty big event… the start of an unhealthy obsession.

3rd may 2011.

Dear diary…

I watched a youtube video yesterday about an 8 year old girl with anorexia. She was so determined at such a young age. She would run up and down the stairs for excercise. And only allow herself very few calories each day. She had to go to hospital where they tried feeding her through tubes. She would wrap the tube round her arm to prevent the fluid entering her body. Then she was sent to a home for anorexic people. etc.                                              

Call me sick but that girl really gave me hope! I wish i had the determination and will to do that. In fact i probably could if it wasn’t for the fact that my parents both get majorly concerned if i skip even 1 meal. As soon as im old enough to do what i want i will do it !

I cant wait…

Dear diray,

‘Love can be painful, love can be a flirt, it has places to go and people to hurt’

This is a statement i got online. As soon as i read it i agreed instantly. the phrase seems to fit me to well, i was suprised it wasn’t written about me directly. But of course not! Love happens to everyone, the popular, and in my case the not so popular. And although not everyone not everyone will experience love in a relationship, everybody will one day love someone and love will do it’s job of bringing you pain and hurt.

People could just search for the meaning of love in the dictionary but most people want to find out the hard way. Which is why no one can live a pain-free life. There is no way to force away love, it’s an emotion and emotions can not be pushed away. Can not be forgotten like an old necklace you lost years ago. Feelings are natural and you should welcome them in. But if this is the case then you’re basically welcomming in pain. Maybe the solution IS to hold love back. After all, like a vampire, once you have invited it in just once, it has a habbit of comming back when unwanted.

Being a teenager, my feelings are everywhere. I am unexpectantly falling in love with people i promised myself i would let go of. I am sharing my darkest secrets with friends i can not trust. I want love to go away until the right boy comes along, if ever.

I’m sick of falling in love and the dissapointment behing it. Love is pain… It’s not a reward, it’s a sin…